"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing."
"He was so crooked you could use him to pull corks with..."
"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes..."
"It is bad luck to be superstitious."
"That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all."
A horse may be forced to drink but a pencil must be lead...
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.
Always yield to temptation, for it may not pass your way again.
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
Beware of quantum ducks:  quark, quark.
Boy:  A noise with dirt on it.
Brains:  The apparatus with which we think that we think.
CPU time files when you're having fun.
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
Communists do it without class.
Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
Control Data... before IT controls YOU!
Dawn:  The time when men of reason go to bed.
Did you know that no-one ever reads these things?
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
Do you know where *your* towel is?
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't feed the bats tonight.
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
Don't panic.
Down with categeorical imperatives!
Everyone should know where his towel is.
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Familiarity breeds attempt.
Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
History doesn't repeat itself.  Historians merely repeat each other.
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
I must have slipped a disk - my pack hurts.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
If at first you don't succeed, give up.  No use being a damned fool.
If it screams,  it's not food.
If you don't care where you are then you ain't lost.
Ignore previous fortune cookie.
In a family argument, if it turns out you are right -- apologize at once!
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It looks like an optical illusion, but it isn't.
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
It's clever, but is it art?
It's never too late for romance, it's only too late to get up the next morning.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things
It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean the world ISN'T out to get you.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not really after you.
Just remember:  When  in doubt,  you're always right.
Justice:  A decision in your favor.
Long live the great electronic underground!!
Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Kin:  An affliction of the blood
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
Live better, electrically!
Look out!  Behind you!
Love is sentimental measles.
Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence
Many a family tree needs trimming.
Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
Monday:  In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
Money is the root of all evil, and a man needs roots.
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
Never drink from your finger bowl - it contains only water.
Never eat anything larger than your head.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
Never try to out stubborn a cat.
Nice guys get sick.
No parking in the red zone.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
Pity the poor corpuscle, for he labors in vein.
Please ignore previous fortune.
Please take note:
Postage not necessary if mailed within the United States.
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
Read everything with your eyes closed and it will all make sense.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
Remember that two wrongs do not make a right, but that three lefts do.
Remember, even if you win the rat race - you're still a rat.
Shouldn't you be doing something useful?
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
Stay away from flying saucers today.
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
Th-th-th-that's all, folks!
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
The white zone is for the immediate loading and unloading of passengers only.
The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!!
Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
Think twice before speaking.  But don't say "think think click click".
This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
This fortune intentionally not included.
This space intentionally left blank.
This will be a memorable month - no matter how hard you try to forget it.
To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
Tonight's the night:  Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
Truth will be out this morning.  (which may really mess things up.)
Watch out for the old mortar in the rocks in the fourteenth hole trick.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
We have met the enemy, and he is us.
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
What this country needs is a good five-cent ANYTHING!
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
When uncertain, when in doubt, run in circles, scream, and shout.
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
You are magnetic in your bearing.
You can observe a lot by watching.
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
DO NOT CUT ALONG THE LINE
Long live The Great Electronic Underground!
Look!  A flying porpoise!
I have no mouth and I must scream.
"Picture if you will..."
"Submitted for your approval..."
It's 5PM and I'm all out of pithy things to say.
"Do not adjust your set.  WE are in control."
"I seem to be having problems with my lifestyle." -Arthur Dent
"I can feel it.  My mind.  It's going, Dave.  I can feel it."
It's hard having spring fever when it's winter weather.
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand!
If psychics can tell the future, why don't they pick winning lottery numbers?
Those who think they know it all upset those of us who do.
"Why is it that sportbike riders wear $500 helmets with T-shirts and shorts and Harley riders wear $500 leathers and ashtrays on their head?" -Terry Hayden
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.  -Anon
"Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?" -Anon
"A critic is one who goes along for deride." -L. L. Levinson
"Critics? I love every bone in their heads." -Eugene O'Neill
"A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car." -Kenneth Tynan
"Music hath charm to soothe a savage beast- But I'd try a revolver first." -Josh Billings
TV is a medium, because it's neither rare nor well done.  -Ernie Kovacs
A prune is a plum that has seen better days.  -Anonymous
A raisin is a worried-looking grape.  -Anonymous
A gourmet is just a glutton with brains.  -Philip W. Gaberman, Jr.
Health food may be good for the conscience but Oreos taste a hell of a lot better. -Robert Redford
"I tried to catch her eye, but it rolled under the refrigerator."
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
Beat the five o'clock rush; leave work at noon.
What if the "Hokey-Pokey" really IS what it's all about?
Live Faust, die Jung.
"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again."  -Rick Polito's That TV Guy column, describing the movie "The Wizard of Oz"
"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense." -Barney Miller
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.  -Catherine Aird
"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it." -Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 
"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." -Isaac Asimov
"Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?"  -Bumper Sticker
"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." -Socrates (470-399 B.C.) 
"Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me." -Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) 
"A narcissist is someone better looking than you are." -Gore Vidal 
"A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted." -Helen Rowland (1876-1950) 
"Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done." -Carl Friedrich Gauss (1777-1855), while working, when informed that his wife is dying 
"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something." -last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923) 
"He would make a lovely corpse." -Charles Dickens (1812-1870)
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -Irvin S. Cobb
"I worship the quicksand he walks in." -Art Buchwald
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -Mariah Carey
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but I can't remember what they are." -Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day...Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
"I believe that children are our future... Unless we stop them NOW!!" -Homer Simpson
A chceap thrill is still a thrill.
Reality is for people who have no imagination.
"His mind was like a hummingbird- One seldom sees it land." -Anon