"...and I came to regard humans as a strange sort of delicacy."
"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing."
"Can you prove it didn't happen?"  -PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
"He was so crooked you could use him to pull corks with..."
"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes..."
"I think it needs more juice."
"It is bad luck to be superstitious."
"It is essential that opposing action systems do not execute simultaneously."
"That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all."
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." -Raoul Duke
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
"Where do 'cannot' and 'must' meet on the graph?" -ROBOT MONSTER
186,282 miles per second; not just a good idea, it's the LAW.
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
A clean, neat, and orderly work place is a sure sign of a sick mind.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A day for firm decisions!!!!  Or is it?
A generation which ignores history hes no past -- and no future.
A gift of flowers will soon be made to you.
A hollow voice says "plugh".
A horse may be forced to drink but a pencil must be lead...
A king's castle is his home.
A lie in time saves nine.
A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A reverence for life does not require one to respect nature's obvious mistakes.
A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.
Accuracy: The vice of being right.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Adult: One old enough to know better.
Always store beer in a dark place.
Always yield to temptation, for it may not pass your way again.
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Avoid September.
B C N U  *salute*
Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
Beware of quantum ducks:  quark, quark.
Beware the grandfalloon.
Big Brother is watching.
Boy:  A noise with dirt on it.
Brains:  The apparatus with which we think that we think.
Buy low, sell high.
Bye bye for now.
CDC -- Consistency Doesn't Count.
CPU time files when you're having fun.
Caution:  Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
Chicken Little was right.
Communists do it without class.
Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
Condense soup, not books!
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
Control Data... before IT controls YOU!
Courage is your greatest present need.
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
Cynics: One who looks through rose-colored classes with a jaundiced eye.
Dawn:  The time when men of reason go to bed.
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
Did you know that no-one ever reads these things?
Do not clog intellect's sluices with knowledge of questionable uses.
Do not drink coffee in early A.M.   It will keep you awake until noon.
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
Do you know where *your* towel is?
Domestic happiness and faithful friends.
Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't feed the bats tonight.
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
Don't Knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
Don't panic.
Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
Don't try to have the last word.  You might get it.
Down with categeorical imperatives!
Draw your salary before spending it.
Economy makes men independent.
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
Even the boldest zebra fear the hungry lion.
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
Every purchase has its price.
Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.
Everyone should know where his towel is.
Everything bows to success, even grammar.
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
Familiarity breeds attempt.
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Good health will be yours for a long time.
Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
Happy Motoring!
Happy trails to you!
Have a NICE day.
Have you hugged your Teleray today?
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
He who has had, has been, but he who hasn't been, has been had.
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
Heisenberg may have been right.
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
Here is further away than you think...
Hindsight is an exact science.
His life was formal;  his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
History doesn't repeat itself.  Historians merely repeat each other.
How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
How you look depends on where you go.
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
I like work;  it fascinates me;  I can sit and look at it for hours.
I must have slipped a disk - my pack hurts.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
If at first you don't succeed, give up.  No use being a damned fool.
If it is not there,  it does not exist.
If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
If it screams,  it's not food.
If it's more than you need, it's greed.
If you continually give you will continually have.
If you don't care where you are then you ain't lost.
If you don't like yourself, you can't like other people.
If you listen to fools the Mob Rules! (R.J. Dio)
If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
Iffen it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Iffen it ain't cooked, don't serve it.
Ignore previous fortune cookie.
In a family argument, if it turns out you are right -- apologize at once!
Infinity is a self-cancelling thought form.
Innuendo can be fun.
Inside every big problem is a small problem trying to get out.
It is fortune, not wisdom that rules man's life.
It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
It looks like an optical illusion, but it isn't.
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
It's clever, but is it art?
It's never too late for romance, it's only too late to get up the next morning.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things
It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean the world ISN'T out to get you.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not really after you.
Just remember:  When  in doubt,  you're always right.
Justice:  A decision in your favor.
Long live the great electronic underground!!
Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Kin:  An affliction of the blood
Later dates.
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
       1000000000000000.667 CP SECONDS EXECUTION TIME.
Live better, electrically!
Look out!  Behind you!
Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
Love is sentimental measles.
Love the sea?  I dote upon it - from the beach.
Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence
Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
Many a family tree needs trimming.
Many changes of mind and mood;  do not hesitate too long.
Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
Misfortune:  The kind of fortune that never misses.
Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure.
Monday:  In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
Money is the root of all evil, and a man needs roots.
Money is truthful.  If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature". He may not have one.
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
Never call a man a fool;  borrow from him.
Never drink from your finger bowl - it contains only water.
Never eat anything larger than your head.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Never try to out stubborn a cat.
Nice guys get sick.
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
No parking in the red zone.
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
Nothing works, and nobody cares.
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Of all the people I have met, you are certainly one of them.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
People will buy anything that's "only one per customer."
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
Pity the poor corpuscle, for he labors in vein.
Please ignore previous fortune.
Please take note:
Post no bills.
Postage not necessary if mailed within the United States.
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Preserve the old, but know the new.
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth.
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
Read everything with your eyes closed and it will all make sense.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
Reality stems from the line printer.
Reality sure is big...
Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
Remember that two wrongs do not make a right, but that three lefts do.
Remember, even if you win the rat race - you're still a rat.
Reputation:  what others are not thinking about you.
Results may be unpredictable.
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
See you in the movies!
Shared pain, is lessened;  shared joy is increased.
Shouldn't you be doing something useful?
Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
Some men are discovered;  others are found out.
Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
Someone is speaking well of you.
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
Stay away from flying saucers today.
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
Stop searching forever.  Happiness is just next to you.
Stop searching forever.  Happiness is unattainable.
Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
Swap read error.  You lose your mind.
Take two aspirin and call the consultant.
Th-th-th-that's all, folks!
Thank you for observing ALL safety precautions.
Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
The attacker must vanquish, the defender need only survive.
The best prophet of the future is the past.
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
The butler did it.
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
The heart is wiser than the intellect.
The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
The minute a man is convinced that he's interesting, he isn't.
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The star of riches is shining upon you.
The stranger, the better...
The time is right to make new friends.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
The white zone is for the immediate loading and unloading of passengers only.
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of dirt.
The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
There are no games on this system.
There are no rules.
There is always someone worse off than yourself.
There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
There's always one more bug.
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!!
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
Think twice before speaking.  But don't say "think think click click".
This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
This fortune intentionally not included.
This is a *dangerous* place.
This is a DANGEROUS place.
This space intentionally left blank.
This will be a memorable month - no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Those who can't write,  write manuals.
Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
To keep your friends treat them kindly.   To kill them, treat them often.
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
Tonight's the night:  Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
Truth will be out this morning.  (which may really mess things up.)
Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
Vote anarchist
Wasting time is an important part of living.
Watch out for the old mortar in the rocks in the fourteenth hole trick.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
We have met the enemy, and he is us.
We prefer to speak evil of ourselves than not speak of ourselves at all.
We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
We read to say that we have read.
What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
What this country needs is a good five-cent ANYTHING!
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
When uncertain, when in doubt, run in circles, scream, and shout.
When you get there, there's no there there.
When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
Words are the voice of the heart.
Words must be weighed, not counted.
Worth seeing?   Yes, but not worth going to see.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
You are magnetic in your bearing.
You can observe a lot by watching.
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
You have been selected for a secret mission.
You live and you learn, or you don't live long.
You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
Every sound should end in silence, but the silence never dies.
"Imagination is more important than knowledge" -A. Einstein
Is someone trying to tell you something?
"What hallucinations?"
DO NOT CUT ALONG THE LINE
"How could it?" Mishkin asked. "How could anything alter reality for $9.95?"
"Price of admission - your premise."
"Hang up your logic over there."
"I smell memory leakage.  Someone around here is not paying attention."
Nothing is very funny when you're underneath.
Reality is achieved by the indefinite enumeration of objects.
*quack*
Long live The Great Electronic Underground!
Look!  A flying porpoise!
EOI ENCOUNTERED.
I see no HUMOR here.
Vote early, and vote often.
I have no mouth and I must scream.
"Picture if you will..."
"Submitted for your approval..."
It's 5PM and I'm all out of pithy things to say.
"Do not adjust your set.  WE are in control."
"I seem to be having problems with my lifestyle." -Arthur Dent
"Your move" -Colossus
"This is the voice of world control.  I have brought Peace."
"Daisy? Daisy? give me your answer true..."
"Call Gregory."  -P1
"I can feel it.  My mind.  It's going, Dave.  I can feel it."
*There is another*
"Who cares for you?" said Alice.  "You're nothing but a pack of cards"
"Oh, you can't help that," said the cat: "we're all mad here.  I'm mad.  You're mad."
It's hard having spring fever when it's winter weather.
17.38.07.UCLP, ACG150200,      0.809KLNS.
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand!
Why does Microsoft call EVERY Windows version "The most stable ever?"
If psychics can tell the future, why don't they pick winning lottery numbers?
Those who think they know it all upset those of us who do.
Expecting life to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting a bull not to charge you because you are a vegetarian. -anon
"Never save anything for a special occasion.  Every day you're alive is a special occasion." -anon
"Life is a gift, that's why we call it the present." -anon
"Some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps" -anon
"Why is it that sportbike riders wear $500 helmets with T-shirts and shorts and Harley riders wear $500 leathers and ashtrays on their head?" -Terry Hayden
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.  -Anon
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.  -Anon
You see things; and you say, "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?" -George Bernhard Shaw
"An important scientific innovation rarely makes its way by gradually winning over and converting its opponents... What does happen is that its opponents gradually die out, and that the growing generation is familiarized with the ideas from the beginning." -Max Planck
"Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?" -Anon
"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds." -Albert Einstein
"What does an actor know about politics?" -Ronald Reagan, criticizing Ed Asner
"The American people is very supportive of me"  -George W. Bush
"Who will the Anti-Christ be? I don't know... Of course, he'll be Jewish."  -Jerry Falwell
"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-rascism." -George Bush
"I will never apologize for U.S.A. - I don't care what the facts are." -George Bush
"Boy, they were big on crematoriums, weren't they?" -George Bush, touring Auschwitz
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between mother and child." -Dan Quayle
"I am not worried about the deficit.  It is big enough to take care of itself." -Ronald Reagan
"What's wrong with saying that when school's out, you can hire kids as young as 12 or 13?" -Newt Gingrich
"[The question] is too suppository." -Alexander Haig
"Democracy used to be a good thing, but now it has gotten into the wrong hands." -Jesse Helms
"Facts are stupid things." -Ronald Reagan
"There ought to be limits to freedom."  -George W. Bush
"I love California.  I practically grew up in Phoenix."  -Dan Quayle
"The Internet is a great way to get on the 'Net."  -Bob Dole
"The state of California has no business subsidizing intellectual curiosity." -Ronald Reagan
"I want to make sure everybody who has a job, wants a job."  -George Bush
"The little people have needs." -Senator (R) Al D'Amato
"I'm for Mr. Reagan - blindly."  -George Bush
"I stand by all the misstatements."  -Dan Quayle
"General.  I can't name the general. General." -George W. Bush, when asked to name Pakistan's president
"All the waste in a year from a nuclear powerplant can be stored under a desk." -Ronald Reagan
"We should keep the Panama Canal.  After all, we stole it fair and square." -Senator (R) S.I. Hayakawa
"I want a government that does nothing." -Senator (R) Michael Huffington
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in the air and water that are doing it."  -Dan Quayle
"The question we have to ask is: Is our children learning?" -George W. Bush
"Eat less." -Senator (R) Robert A. Taft on how to save money
"Sexual harassment on the job is not a problem for virtuous women" -Phyllis Shlafly (R)
"A tree is a tree.  How many more do you need to look at?" -Ronald Reagan
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles." -Ronald Reagan
"What was Watergate?  A little bugging!"  -Richard Nixon
"Outside of the killings, Washington D.C has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."  -Mayor Marion Barry
"If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drilling rights on George Bush's head." -Jim Hightower
"I stay out of their way at Kmart." -Mayor Willie Brown, on how he helped the poor
"By comparison, it makes 'Rosemary's baby' look like a dream child." -Senator (D) J. Exon on Republican budget proposals
"Any fool can criticize, and many of them do." -C. Garbett
"Mediocrity is more dangerous in a critic than in a writer." -Eugene Ionesco
"A critic is one who goes along for deride." -L. L. Levinson
"Critics? I love every bone in their heads." -Eugene O'Neill
"The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism." -Norman Vincent Peale
"A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car." -Kenneth Tynan
"Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees and then names the streets after them." -Bill Vaughn
"Fashionability is a kind of vulgarity." -George Darley
"Fashion is an imposition, a rein on freedom."  -Golda Meir
"Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes." -Henry David Thoreau
"Every generation laughs at the old fashions but follows religiously the new." -Henry David Thoreau
"All profoundly original art looks ugly at first." -Clement Greenberg
"If you could say it in words there would be no reason to paint." -Edward Hopper
"A work of art is useless.  So is a flower."  -Oscar Wilde
"Only a mediocre writer is always at his best." -W. Somerset Maugham
"There are no dull subjects. Only dull writers." -H. L. Mencken
Man dreads fame as a pig dreads fat.  -Chinese proverb
"Music hath charm to soothe a savage beast- But I'd try a revolver first." -Josh Billings
"Every kind of music is good, except the boring kind." -Gioacchino Rossini
Tabloids are fast reading for the slow thinking.  -Anonymous
Freedom of the press is guaranteed to those who own one.  -A. J. Liebling
Television: Eyestrain radio.  -Anonymous
TV: A box that's changed children from an irresistable force into an immovable object. -Anonymous
TV is a medium, because it's neither rare nor well done.  -Ernie Kovacs
Television is the bland leading the bland.  -Murray Schumach
Television is chewing gum for the eyes.  -Frank Lloyd Wright
Educaton is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. -Daniel Boorstin
Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet. -Napoleon Bonaparte
A Puritan is a person who pours righteous indignation into the wrong things. -G. K. Chesterton
Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind. -Einstein
If men are so wicked with religion, what would they be without it? -Benjamin Franklin
The Creator is a comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh. -H. L. Menken
Everyone prefers belief to the exercise of judgement. -Seneca
Man is the only animal that has the true religion- Several of them.  -Mark Twain
Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind. -Bates
No physician is really good before he has killed one or two patients. -Hindu proverb
Heaven defend me from a busy doctor.  -Welsh proverb
Technological progress is like an ax in the hands of a pathological criminal. -Einstein
Nothing you can't spell will ever work.  -Will Rogers
Just say the word "politician" and I think of chicanery.  -Lucille Ball
Politics is a blood sport.  -Aneurin Bevan
Politics is the conduct of public affairs for private advantage.  -Ambrose Bierce
Democracy means government by the uneducated, while aristocracy means government by the badly educated. -G. K. Chesterton
Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you want to hear. -Alan Coren
Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did.  -Jimmy Durante
When a politician changes his position it's sometimes hard to tell whether he has seen the light or felt the heat. -Robert Fuoss
Politics is not the art of the possible.  It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable. -John Kenneth Galbraith
Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory. -John Kenneth Galbraith
I have come to the conclusion that politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. -Charles de Gaulle
A Conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. -Elbert Hubbard
Some fellows get credit for being conservative when they are only stupid.  -Kin Hubbard
Politicians are the same all over.  They promise to build a bridge even when there is no river.  -Nikita Krushchev
The more I see of the representatives of the people, the more I admire my dogs. -Alphonse de Lamartine
Elections are held to delude the populace into believing that they are participating in government. -Gerald Lieberman
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote. -George Jean Nathan
It is no wonder that politicians are hard-boiled.  They're always in hot water. -New Orleans Times
Socialism is only workable in heaven, where it isn't needed, and in hell, where they've got it. -Cecil Palmer
Public office is the last refuge of the incompetent. -Boies Penrose
One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. -Plato
With Congress, every time they make a joke, it's a law, and every time they make a law, it's a joke. -Will Rogers
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned to walk forward. -Franklin D. Roosevelt
A conservative is someone who believes in reform.  But not now.  -Mort Sahl
Politics is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.  -Anonymous
War is the science of destruction.  -John Abbott
There are no warlike peoples- just warlike leaders.  -Ralph Bunche
There was never a good war nor a bad peace.  -Benjamin Franklin
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. -Groucho Marx
Better to live in peace than to begin war and lie dead.  -Chief Joseph
A prune is a plum that has seen better days.  -Anonymous
A raisin is a worried-looking grape.  -Anonymous
A gourmet is just a glutton with brains.  -Philip W. Gaberman, Jr.
I have known many meat eaters to be far more nonviolent than vegetarians.  -Mohandas Ghandi
Health food may be good for the conscience but Oreos taste a hell of a lot better. -Robert Redford
This will never be a civilized country until we spend more money on books than we do on chewing gum. -Elbert Hubbard
Thanks to the interstate highway system, it is now possible to travel coast to coast without seeing anything.  -Charles Kuralt
"You don't need to be smart to be president" -George W. Bush
"Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning?" -George W. Bush
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." -George W. Bush
"I think we agree, the past is over." -George W. Bush
"Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometime until we get an objective analysis." -George W. Bush
"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California." -George W. Bush
"I understand small business growth. I was one." -George W. Bush
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." -George W. Bush
"Keep good relations with the Grecians." -George W. Bush
"I would have said yes to abortion if only it was right. I mean, yeah it's right. Well no it's not right that's why I said no to it." -George W. Bush
"My [tax cut] plan is realistic because it avoids meaningless 15-year projections." -George W. Bush
"The fundamental question is: 'Will I be a successful president when it comes to foreign policy?' I will be, but until I'm the president, it's going to be hard for me to verify that I think I'll be more effective." -George W. Bush
"Down in Washington they're playing with Social Security like it's some kind of government program!" -George W. Bush
"The reason we start a war is to fight a war, win a war, thereby causing no more war!" -George W. Bush
"It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet. -George W. Bush
"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?" -George W. Bush
"If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier...just as long as I'm the dictator..." -George W. Bush
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." -George W. Bush
"There's a huge trust. I see it all the time when people come up to me and say, 'I don't want you to let me down again.'" -George W. Bush
"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question" -George W. Bush
"You teach a child to read and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." -George W. Bush
"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods." -George W. Bush
"I am mindful of the difference between the executive branch and the legislative branch. I assured all four of these leaders that I know the difference, and that difference is they pass the laws and I execute them." -George W. Bush
"Dick Cheney and I do not want this nation to be in a recession. We want anybody who can find work to be able to find work." -George W. Bush
"The legislature's job is to write law. It's the executive branch's job to interpret law." -George W. Bush
"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program." -George W. Bush
"Other Republican candidates may retort to personal attacks and negative ads." -George W. Bush
"We need to stop the exquisite sex and wholesome violence that underscore our children" -George W. Bush
"Nigeria is an important continent" -George W. Bush
"If you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness." -George W. Bush
"This case has had full analyzation and has been looked at a lot." -George W. Bush
"It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas" -George W. Bush
"They [farmers] will be in the forethought of our thinking thoughts." -George W. Bush
"I think there is some methodology in my travels." -George W. Bush
"I'm also honored to be here with the speaker of the House-just happens to be from the state of Illinois. I'd like to describe the speaker as a trustworthy man. He's the kind of fellow who says when he gives you his word he means it. Sometimes that doesn't happen all the time in the political process." -George W. Bush
"I appreciate that question because I, in the state of Texas, had heard a lot of discussion about a faith-based initiative eroding the important bridge between church and state."  -George W. Bush
"Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment." -George W. Bush
"The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants." -George W. Bush
"I want it to be said that the Bush administration was a results-oriented administration, because I believe the results of focusing our attention and energy on teaching children to read and having an education system that's responsive to the child and to the parents, as opposed to mired in a system that refuses to change, will make America what we want it to be: a literate country and a hopefuller country." -George W. Bush
"Let me put it to you this way, I am not a revengeful person." -George W. Bush
"As far as the legal hassling and wrangling and posturing in Florida, I would suggest you talk to our team in Florida led by Jim Baker." -George W. Bush
"Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know it." -George W. Bush
"I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun." -George W. Bush
"I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children." -George W. Bush
"I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans." -George W. Bush
"A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness." -George W. Bush
"I regret that a private comment I made to the vice presidential candidate made it through the public airways." -George W. Bush
"As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards." -George W. Bush
"Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness." -George W. Bush
"This campaign not only hears the voices of the entrepreneurs and the farmers and the entrepreneurs, we hear the voices of those struggling to get ahead." -George W. Bush
"We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile." -George W. Bush
"I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together." -George W. Bush
"Reading is the basics for all learning." -George W. Bush
"Be not enslaved by the tyranny of fear and superstition."  -Rod Serling
Fear and paranoia are the products of ignorance.
The ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons.  Computers in the future may have 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh just 1.5 tons. -Popular Mechanics, March 1949
"I tried to catch her eye, but it rolled under the refrigerator."
"He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book." -Benjamin Franklin
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
Ideas are such funny things; they never work unless you do.
The two rules for success in business are: 1. Never tell them everything you know.
Beat the five o'clock rush; leave work at noon.
It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the ones most responsive to change. -Charles Darwin
To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three workers, two of them absent.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
There is a limit to how much work can be done before the last minute.
Home is where you hang your @.
Talk is cheap because supply often exceeds demand.
Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
Influence is like a savings account.  The less you use it, the more you've got. -Andrew Young
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
The world is full of apathy, but so what?
An optimist is simply a pessimist with no experience.
"I knocked several times, but you weren't in."  -Opportunity
Opportunity may knock more than once, but you still have to open the door.
Generally speaking, you are not learning much when your mouth is moving.
"I don't want any 'yes-men' around me.  I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs." -Samuel Goldwyn
The person who knows "how" will always have a job. The person who knows "why" will always be his boss.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Follow your dream!  Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
The revolution will not be televised.
"There is no path to true happiness, the best you can expect  to do is minimize the pain." -Bill Knoche
"You can bomb the world to pieces, but you can't bomb it into peace." -Michael Franti
"I'm not black, but there's a whole lots of times I wish I could say I'm not white." -Frank Zappa
What if the "Hokey-Pokey" really IS what it's all about?
Live Faust, die Jung.
"Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fuehrer" -Adolph Hitler              "One World, One Web, One Program"  -Microsoft promotional ad
"Not using Microsoft products is like being a non-smoker 40 or 50 years ago: You can choose not to smoke, yourself, but it's hard to avoid second-hand smoke."  -M. Tiemann
"There are two educations. One should teach us how to make a living and the other how to live." -John Adams
The difference between common sense and paranoia is that common sense is thinking everyone is out to get you.  That's normal; they are.  Paranoia is thinking they're conspiring.  -J. Kegler
"At first people refuse to believe that a strange new thing can be done, then they begin to hope it can be done, then they see it can be done--then it is done and all the world wonders why it was not done centuries ago." -Frances Hodgson Burnett
When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint.  When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist. -Dora Camara
Q: Does television brainwash people?  A: Why do you think they call it "Programming?"
Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative -John Stuart Mill
Ignorance is no excuse for the law.
Eat tainted meat, Breathe poisoned air, Drink nasty water, Help only yourself: Vote Republican.
The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality -Dante
Even a single lamp dispels the darkness -Gandhi
"I do not intend to tiptoe through life only to arrive safely at death"
The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything. -Josef Stalin 
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." -Benjamin Franklin
Killing one person is murder - killing 100,000 is foreign policy
If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
This space is not available for corporate advertising.
Recent investments will yield a high yield, long term return.
Risks must be taken because life's greatest hazard is to risk nothing, and thus gain nothing.
People who risk nothing, gain nothing.
Only a person who risks is truly free.
I take a simple view of life: Keep your eyes open and get on with it.  -Sir Laurence Oliver
"It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues." -Abraham Lincoln
The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is, that one often comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't.  -Henry Ward Beecher
"Home is not a place; It's wherever your passions take you." -John Sheridan, Babylon 5
"Enthusiasm is the match that lights the candle of achievment." -William Arthur Ward
"The world is made for people who aren't cursed with self-awareness." -Movie: Bull Durham
It's safer to skate on thin ice than it is to walk on water.
"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again."  -Rick Polito's That TV Guy column, describing the movie "The Wizard of Oz"
kill -9 them all.  Let init sort it out.
"History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon." -Napoleon Bonaparte
"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense." -Barney Miller
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
Always remember you're unique.  Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to make you human, and enough hope to make you happy.
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.  -Catherine Aird
"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever." -Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821) 
"Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake." -Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956) 
"Don't be so humble - you are not that great." -Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat 
"His ignorance is encyclopedic" -Abba Eban (1915-2002) 
"People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid." -Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 
"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted." -Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." -Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 
"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on." -Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965) 
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use." -Galileo Galilei 
"The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work." -Emile Zola (1840-1902) 
"The full use of your powers along lines of excellence." -Definition of "happiness" by John F. Kennedy (1917-1963) 
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart." -e e cummings (1894-1962) 
"Give me a museum and I'll fill it." -Pablo Picasso (1881-1973) 
"Assassins!" -Arturo Toscanini (1867-1957) to his orchestra 
"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is." -Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut 
"I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have." -Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) 
"Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems." -Rene Descartes (1596-1650), "Discours de la Methode" 
"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." -Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968) 
"Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right." -Henry Ford (1863-1947) 
"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it." -Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 
"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed." -George Burns (1896-1996)
"The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense." -Edsgar Dijkstra
"C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg." -Bjarne Stroustrup
"A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems." -Paul Erdos
"The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad." -Salvador Dali (1904-1989)
"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance." -George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
"But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near." -Andrew Marvell (1621-1678)
"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws."                 -Plato (427-347 B.C.)                                      "...and good people will find ways around the bad laws."           -Kelly's addendum
"The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it." -George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." -Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
"Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe." -H. G. Wells (1866-1946)
"Talent does what it can; genius does what it must." -Edward George Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873)
"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'." -unknown
"If you are going through hell, keep going." -Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
"I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters." -Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." -Voltaire (1694-1778)
"He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death." -H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." -Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
"I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them." -Ian L. Fleming (1908-1964)
"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." -J. Paul Getty (1892-1976)
"When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world." -George Washington Carver (1864-1943)
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." -Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)
"Maybe this world is another planet's Hell." -Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)
"Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact." -George Eliot (1819-1880)
"Black holes are where God divided by zero." -Steven Wright
"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." -Walt Disney (1901-1966)
"We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time." -Vince Lombardi
"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true." -James Branch Cabell
"A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship." -John D. Rockefeller (1874-1960)
"All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher." -Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
"You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it." -Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874-1936)
"An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered." -Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874-1936)
"I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth." -Umberto Eco
"Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down." -Jimmy Durante
"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good." -Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
"A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both." -Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890-1969), Inaugural Address, January 20, 1953
"The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." -Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working." -Albert Giacometti (sculptor)
"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident." -Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)
"Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street." -Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)
"There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life." -Frank Zappa
"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." -Antoine de Saint Exupery
"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." -Isaac Asimov
"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." -Carl Sagan
"It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts." -G. B. Burgin
"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens." -Jimi Hendrix
"A clever man commits no minor blunders." -Goethe (1749-1832)
"Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours." -Richard Bach
"A witty saying proves nothing." -Voltaire (1694-1778)
"Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance." -Will Durant
"I have often regretted my speech, never my silence." -Xenocrates (396-314 B.C.)
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." -Mario Andretti
"I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means." -Clarence Darrow, Scopes trial, 1925.
"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal." -Henry Ford (1863-1947)
"I'll sleep when I'm dead." -Warren Zevon
"There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread." -Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)
"If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you." -Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
"The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, they finish by loading honors on your head." -Jean Cocteau (1889-1963)
"Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together." -Georg Lichtenberg (1742-1799)
"Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it" -Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
"While we are postponing, life speeds by." -Seneca (3BC-65AD)
"Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?"  -Bumper Sticker
"God, please deliver me from your followers!" -Bumper Sticker
"Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches." -Duchess of Windsor, when asked what is the secret of a long and happy life
"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win." -Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)
"Luck is the residue of design." -Branch Rickey - former owner of the Brooklyn Dodger Baseball Team
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die." -Mel Brooks
"Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so." -Bertrand Russell (1872-1970) 
"Wit is educated insolence." -Aristotle (384-322 B.C.) 
"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." -Socrates (470-399 B.C.) 
"Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me." -Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) 
"A narcissist is someone better looking than you are." -Gore Vidal 
"Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them." -Samuel Palmer (1805-80) 
"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity." -Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 
"The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows." -Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975) 
"Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny." -Guy Davenport 
"When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite." -Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965) 
"The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth." -Niels Bohr (1885-1962) 
"We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?" -Niels Bohr (1885-1962) 
"When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong." -Buckminster Fuller (1895-1983) 
"In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite." -Paul Dirac (1902-1984) 
"In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience." -W.B. Prescott
"Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin." -John von Neumann (1903-1957)
"The mistakes are all waiting to be made." -chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956) on the game's opening position 
"It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims." -Aristotle (384-322 B.C.) 
"Grove giveth and Gates taketh away." -Bob Metcalfe (inventor of Ethernet) on the trend of hardware speedups not being able to keep up with software demands 
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." -Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 
"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important." -Bertrand Russell (1872-1970) 
"A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation." -H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)
"There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult." -C. A. R. Hoare
"Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler." -Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"What do you take me for, an idiot?" -General Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970), when a journalist asked him if he was happy
"I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon." -Bill Hirst
"Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do." -Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)
"A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines." -Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
"It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid." -George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me." -Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980)
"A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies." -Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." -John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)
"Logic is in the eye of the logician." -Gloria Steinem 
"No one can earn a million dollars honestly." -William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925) 
"Everything has been figured out, except how to live." -Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)
"Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech." -Martin Fraquhar Tupper 
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas (1900-1966) 
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it." -Groucho Marx (1895-1977) 
"It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating." -Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 
"When ideas fail, words come in very handy." -Goethe (1749-1832) 
"In the end, everything is a gag." -Charlie Chaplin (1889-1977) 
"The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people." -Lucille S. Harper 
"You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there." -Yogi Berra 
"I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known." -Walt Disney (1901-1966) 
"He who hesitates is a damned fool." -Mae West (1892-1980) 
"Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater." -Gail Godwin 
"University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small." -Henry Kissinger (1923-) 
"The graveyards are full of indispensable men." -Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970) 
"You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty." -Sacha Guitry (1885-1957) 
"Behind every great fortune there is a crime." -Honore de Balzac (1799-1850) 
"If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." -Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975) 
"I am not young enough to know everything." -Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 
"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his." -General George Patton (1885-1945) 
"Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis." -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) 
"There is no sincerer love than the love of food." -George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 
"I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking." -Katherine Cebrian 
"I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it." -Steven Wright 
"Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour." -Gioacchino Rossini (1792-1868) 
"Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure." -Oliver Herford (1863-1935) 
"The covers of this book are too far apart." -Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) 
"Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end." -Igor Stravinsky (1882-1971) 
"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung." -Voltaire (1694-1778) 
"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before." -Mae West (1892-1980) 
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to." -Elvis Presley (1935-1977) 
"No sane man will dance." -Cicero (106-43 B.C.) 
"Hell is a half-filled auditorium." -Robert Frost (1874-1963)
"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you." -Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961)
"Vote early and vote often." -Al Capone (1899-1947) 
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" -Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) 
"Few things are harder to put up with than a good example." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) 
"I am become death, shatterer of worlds." -Robert J. Oppenheimer (1904-1967) (citing from the Bhagavad Gita, after witnessing the world's first nuclear explosion) 
"Happiness is good health and a bad memory." -Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982) 
"Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate." -Thomas Jones 
"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." -Al Capone (1899-1947) 
"The gods too are fond of a joke." -Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
"Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes." -Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862) 
"The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting." -Gloria Leonard 
"It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man." -Professor Scott Elledge on his retirement from Cornell 
"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work." -Robert Orben 
"The cynics are right nine times out of ten." -Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956) 
"There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem." -George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 
"Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance." -Plato (427-347 B.C.) 
"Plato was a bore." -Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) 
"Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal." -Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)
"I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy." -Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961) 
"Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things." -Epictetus (55-135 A.D.)
"Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things." -Epictetus (55-135 A.D.)                                                                                           "What about things like bullets?" -Herb Kimmel, Behavioralist, Professor of Psychology, upon hearing the above quote (1981)
"How can I lose to such an idiot?" -A shout from chessmaster Aaron Nimzovich (1886-1935) 
"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday." -Woody Allen (1935-) 
"I don't feel good." -The last words of Luther Burbank (1849-1926) 
"Men have become the tools of their tools." -Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862) 
"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) 
"It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant." -Richard J. Ferris, president of United Airlines 
"I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television." -Gore Vidal 
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying." -Woody Allen (1935-) 
"Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives." -Abba Eban (1915-2002) 
"To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me." -Charles William Stubbs 
"Sanity is a madness put to good uses." -George Santayana (1863-1952) 
"Imitation is the sincerest form of television." -Fred Allen (1894-1956) 
"Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) 
"In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take." -Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965) 
"Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research." -Wilson Mizner (1876-1933) 
"Why don't you write books people can read?" -Nora Joyce to her husband James (1882-1941) 
"Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers." -T. S. Eliot (1888-1965) 
"Criticism is prejudice made plausible." -Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956) 
"It is better to be quotable than to be honest." -Tom Stoppard
"Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting." -Karl Wallenda 
"Opportunities multiply as they are seized." -Sun Tzu 
"A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar." -Lao-Tzu (570?-490? BC) 
"The best way to predict the future is to invent it." -Alan Kay 
"Never mistake motion for action." -Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961) 
"The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time." -George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 
"Well done is better than well said." -Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) 
"A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted." -Helen Rowland (1876-1950) 
"Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century." -Perelman 
"The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready." -Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862) 
"There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal." -Sigfried Hulzer 
"Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done." -Carl Friedrich Gauss (1777-1855), while working, when informed that his wife is dying 
"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." -Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965) 
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -Thomas Watson (1874-1956), Chairman of IBM, 1943 
"I think it would be a good idea." -Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948), when asked what he thought of Western civilization 
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." -Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
"If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?"  -Will Rogers (1879-1935) 
"The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy." -Von Clausewitz (1780-1831) 
"Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity." -Irving Kristol 
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -Bill Gates (1955-), in 1981 
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible." -A Yale University management professor in response to student Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.) 
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" -H. M. Warner (1881-1958), founder of Warner Brothers, in 1927 
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962 
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." -Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899 
"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) 
"A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood." -General George S. Patton (1885-1945) 
"After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one." -Cato the Elder (234-149 BC, AKA Marcus Porcius Cato) 
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) 
"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something." -last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923) 
"The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins." -Oliver Wendell Holmes (1841-1935) 
"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense." -Tom Clancy 
"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) 
"It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both." -Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527), "The Prince" 
"Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame." -Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) 
"There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher." -Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964) 
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
"I criticize by creation - not by finding fault." -Cicero (106-43 B.C.)
"Love is friendship set on fire." -Jeremy Taylor
"My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate." -Unibomber Theodore Kaczynski, when asked in court what his current profession was
"For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing." -Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
"Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy." -Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats." -Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
"He would make a lovely corpse." -Charles Dickens (1812-1870)
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -Irvin S. Cobb
"I worship the quicksand he walks in." -Art Buchwald
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." -Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"A poem is never finished, only abandoned." -Paul Valery (1871-1945)
"We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction." -General Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964)
"If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?" -Seymour Cray (1925-1996), father of supercomputing
"#3 pencils and quadrille pads." -Seymoure Cray (1925-1996) when asked what CAD tools he used to design the Cray I supercomputer; he also recommended using the back side of the pages so that the lines were not so dominant.
"I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray." -Seymoure Cray (1925-1996) when was informed that Apple Inc. had recently bought a Cray supercomputer to help them design the next Mac.
"Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis." -Pierre Laplace (1749-1827), to Napoleon on why his works on celestial mechanics make no mention of God. 
"I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need." -Francois-Auguste Rodin (1840-1917), when asked how he managed to make his remarkable statues 
"The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them." -Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"The truth is more important than the facts." -Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959) 
"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing." -Wernher Von Braun (1912-1977) 
"There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it." -Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." -Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -Mariah Carey
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but I can't remember what they are." -Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." -Former French President Charlie De Gaulle
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -A Congressional Candidate in Texas
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -General William Westmoreland
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -Dan Quayle
"The French don't have a word for entrepreneur." -George W. Bush
"There is a far simpler way [than war] to bring Saddam Hussein and Iraq to its knees- Just send the Bush economic team over there to run the country."  -Senator (D - MA) John Kerry
"Bravery untempered by control can be a recipe for suicide."
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.  They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
Paranoia is the delusion that your enemies are organized.
"Is nothing private?" -Ken Starr, commenting on the press publicizing that he'd like to have dinner with President and Senator Clinton. (Starr produced the landmark muckraking "Starr Report" investigating Bill Clinton's private life)
Definition of democracy: Two wolves and a sheep voting on what's for dinner.
"Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance." -Bill Maher
"The Washington mentality works on two tracks: 'Here's what we're going to do; here's what we're going to sell them.'" -Bill Maher
"I'll give George W. Bush credit on this- He's working a lot harder than he thought he'd have to." -Bill Maher
"The government tells you things like 'drugs fund terrorism.'  Because what better way to get the heat off the oil companies?" -Bill Maher
"The true axis of evil in America is the genius of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people." -Bill Maher
"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." -Helen Keller
"If you have ever been called defiant, incorrigible, forward, cunning, insurgent, unruly, rebellious, you're on the right track." -Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Kindness is the greatest wisdom.
Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one.
It is better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Absence sharpens love; presence strengthens it.
Wise men learn more from fools than fools learn from the wise.
"There is no happiness for him who does not travel...  Therefore, wander...  The fortune of him who is sitting sits, it rises when he rises, it sleeps when he sleeps, it moves when he moves...  Therefore, wander!"  From Aitreya Brahamanan, the Rigveda (800-600 B.C.) 
If you always do what you've always done, then you will always get what you've always got.
"When a politician says 'I have nothing to hide' it usually means that he has already hidden everything." -David Frost
"Don't use Outlook.  Outlook is really just a security hole with a small e-mail client attached to it." -Brian Trosko in r.a.sf.w.r-j
"We all have a certain amount of time to live. It's best to spend it doing more constructive things than talking to ignorant people." -Diamanda Galas
"The war that matters is the war against the imagination- all other wars are subsumed in it." -Diane Di Prima
Somebody needs to tell the Bush administration that the song "This land is your land, this land is my land" does NOT refer to all oil-producing countries.
"Don't ask yourself what the world needs - ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -Harold Thurman Whitman
"Why is it that whenever Microsoft 'invents' something that everyone else has had for decades, it's 'big news' and 'innovation'?" -Elladan
Q: Why have all the Mars probes from the U.S. and U.K Failed?  A: Because the Martians have seen what we have done to Earth,     and want no part of us.
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"  -Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."  -Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"'Compassionate conservative?'  I don't know what that is.  It sounds like a Volvo with a gun rack."  -Robin Williams
Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions.  -Albert Einstein
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Going to church doesn't make one a Christian any more than going to a garage makes one a mechanic.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
There is not one shred of evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
The meek shall inherit the Earth, the rest of us will go to the stars..." -Dr. Isaac Asimov
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those with good memory.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't. -Seen on a T-shirt
Power Corrupts, Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely, Leaving one person (or group) in charge is absolutely corrupt.
Blessed are those who know how to think for themselves, truth will speak to them.
"If you ask me, the best that can be said for Ronald Reagan is that, if George W. Bush gets re-elected, we may yet end up missing him." -Tom Carson, The Villiage Voice 6/7/04
The U.S. constitution isn't perfect, but it's better than what we have now.
Shopping is not creating; You are not defined by what you own.
Light is faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day...Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
Diplomacy is the art of being able to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they'll look forward to the trip.
"...Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country." -Hermann Goering
"Naturally, the common people don't want war; neither in Russia nor in England nor in America, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy or a fascist dictatorship or a Parliament or a Communist dictatorship." -Hermann Goering
Seen on a bumpersticker in Hawaii:                              "Make Love not War; Lick Bush in '04"
It's much more important to be kind than right. Kindness improves standard of life. So does laughter. However, righteousness can kill.
If C gives you enough rope to hang yourself, then C++ gives you enough to bind and gag your neighborhood, rig the sails on a small ship, and still have enough to hang yourself from the yardarm.
"A bad analogy is like a leaky screwdriver." -Richard Braakman
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.........
A religious war is an adult version of a fight over who has the best imaginary friend. -anon
Don't anthropomorphize computers, they don't like it.
The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking. -- Christopher Morley
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.
Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth. -- Picasso
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
A computer without Microsoft is like ice cream without ketchup.
"Imagine no possessions," said the millionaire from his luxury Manhattan apartment.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish and he'll wipe out the species.
Why do the folks who get worked up over "one nation under God" always forget about "with liberty and justice for all"?
Curiosity was framed; ignorance killed the cat. -- Author unknown
"Whoever would overthrow the liberty of the nation, must begin by subduing the freedom of speech..." -- Cato Letters
"A man is but the product of his thoughts: What he thinks, he becomes." -Mahatma Gandhi
"Politicians beg the public to turn their eyes to Heaven -- in the hope they then won't notice the long arm of privilege reaching into their wallets."   - Bill Moyers
Laws do not persuade just because they threaten. --Seneca
Cult: (n) A small, unpopular religion.                         Religion: (n) A large, popular cult.
"Computers are useless. They only give you answers." -- Pablo Picasso
Yes, our troops deserve our support.  However, their LEADERS are corrupt, self-serving zealots with hidden agendas, and should be tried for treason.
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject." -Winston Churchill
"Flying planes into buildings was a faith-based initiative."  -Bill Maher
The act of censorship is always worse than whatever is being censored. Always.
"I believe that children are our future... Unless we stop them NOW!!" -Homer Simpson
"A wise man speaks because he has something to say; a foolish man speaks because he has to say something." -Anonymous
"He's like one of those abusive husbands who shows up with flowers after beating the hell out of his wife for ten years." -Joy Behar, on George W. Bush appropriating money for victims of hurricane Katrina
Bush claims that "Democracy respects the rights and religions of all peoples," yet he pushes legislation in the U.S. which is clearly evangelistically Christian and disdains anything non-Christian.  Hypocrisy begins at home...
Faith cannot move mountains.  However, drills can go through them...
"But really let's face it, all other days bow down to the 25th: Christmas. It's the only religious holiday that's also a Federal holiday. That way Christians can go to their services and everyone else can stay home and reflect on the true meaning of Separation of Church and State."  -Samantha Bee, The Daily Show
"We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities." - Bill Maher
"Free speech is not a simple thing and is subject to and directed by policy." -Rep. Chris Cannon (R-Utah)
"Even if we DO get a democratic government into Iraq, what happens when they elect an a**hole who undoes all the good we've done? You know it's going to happen- *WE* did it!"  -Wanda Sykes